I am about to celebrate an anniversary…an anniversary that I don’t celebrate much because there is not much to celebrate. This April 16th will be the 9th anniversary of the loss of my mom.
I miss her beyond words! Words…those funny little things we used to share for hours in deep conversations. That is certainly the most missed. Upon her passing, it was her voice that I lost first. Almost instantaneously I can only hear her through my own version of her voice. I miss the timbre of her voice and all the expression she carried in her cadence of speaking. I have only an answering machine recording in an old answering machine that I hold onto but have not been able to listen to since her passing.
I have one regret with the life I lived with my mom…that she really never knew the real me. I came out about 6 years ago, but I remain grateful that she was the first person I told. I made sure of that! I stopped by the cemetery that fall afternoon and it was the first time I spoke my truth aloud to even myself.
As gay men, we develop two lives. One that everybody sees and interacts; but the other harbors a secret. Until we come out, we develop with two personalities. I didn’t come out until I was 41 years old. So, I probably stunted my own development along the way for far too long. After coming out, we have a enormous task of trying to mesh the two personalities, interests, dimensions (whatever the word(s)) into one whole person. I am still working on that…it sucks!
So, this anniversary is extra difficult. I am unraveling after another failed relationship attempt with the same person of 4 years, but I cannot seem to give it up. I am trying to learn to be alone. I am trying to cope with enormous boredom. Trying to find hobbies, interests, etc. My life feels like it’s a mess…I just need to talk to my mom. She always knew what to say! I miss that immensely.
The Journey of A Man in Search of Self and Belonging! 
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